Mad Elephant

THIS MONTH MY BLOG IS ABOUT EXERCISE.  READ BELOW FOR MY NOT SO DEEP INSIGHTS ON HEALTH AND THE STATE OF MY BODY.   

Running isn't exactly easy for me.  When I run, I feel like I have cement blocks in my shoes.  I don't know how to describe it other than feeling very heavy, sort of like a drunk elephant escaping from the circus.  I clop down the main street like a wild woman trying to find my way back home all the while thinking, "I hope nobody sees me."  Impossible.  Nobody misses me.  My pace is so slow that I look like one of those old people who think they are jogging but are indeed actually walking fast with a bounce.  Rather, they are walking while leaning forward over their toes imaging they are running.   I don't know what is a worse sight, the mad elephant or the delusional old person.

When I run, I need a very clear loop.  The loop helps me focus on my end goal: my house.   If I want to run more miles in the future, I do not plan to make my loop bigger.  Instead, I'd rather just repeat my loop.  My loop makes me feel safe.  Unfortunately, my loop happens to be along the two biggest roads in my area:  Alewife Brook Parkway and Massachusetts Avenue- both main arteries into Boston.  Remember what I said about that mad elephant?  Losing weight in front of the world is so embarrassing.

Earlier this week I spent the entire first leg of the run doing two things:
1) Wondering if everyone knew my thighs were rubbing together. 
2) Wondering if I'd feel better if my shirt said, "give me a break, I just had a baby."
.......ok it was more than two things:
3) Imagining I was swimming instead
4) Wondering if the people passing me by were bigger or smaller than me
5) Wondering if they were thinking the same thing
6) Wondering if the smaller girl said, "at least I don't as much to lose as her."
7) Wondering if my footsteps were causing small cracks in the pavement
8) I use to run....and it use to be easy.  What happened?   

To top it all off, the day I ran in my neighborhood for the first time without my family (yes, we do family runs) was the first night we were putting our son in his crib unswaddled.  Yes, we were still swaddling our 5 1/2 month old.  All I kept thinking was- MUST.  GET. HOME before Luke attempts this without me. 

And so I ran.
Soon, my body didn't feel as heavy but instead, my brain felt heavy.  All those thoughts were truly weighing me down.  This run was feeling like a chore.  

As the sun was setting, I really started to book it.  I knew my boy needed me.  Then all the sudden I thought, "Luke can do it." Being out there was my chance to be on my own without the baby.  I am always with Anders.   Running is my way of truly being disconnected from home.  No phone for Luke to call me on and ask where the PJ's are.  Its just me and like a dumb Nike commercial, I'm going to add "and the pavement."   Just me and the pavement (and a million onlookers.) 

So I started to focus on my music.  Instead of getting anxious about how fat I was and wondering if people in their cars could see my fat, I started thinking:

1) Man, I bet they wish they were out here with me instead of still commuting home from work
2) I feel pretty strong...I'm not out of breath.
3) God is good... I have an amazing husband who is figuring out how to put a baby unswaddled to bed because he knows this run is good for me (I quickened my pace at that thought.)   
and of course...after I felt the teeny tiniest bit strong....my thoughts got a little delusional:  
4) I started pretending I was swimming instead of running
5) What I'd say to Michael Phelps
6) Pretending I was making my Olympic Debut and what Bob Costas would say about me
7) What my Olympic highlight story would say about me....humm...
8) What my...oh wait...I'm home!  I was just about to receive my gold medal and dream about if I were going to cry on the podium thinking about my accomplishments or look really intense like I was imagining the Revolutionary War going on while the Star Spangled Banner played.   (what does spangled mean?) 

and so next time I run, I'll think about getting on the podium and about how Missy Franklin is my best friend and that together we think of ways to use our fame to help our community....you know....  run and get lost in my dreams.

I realize I should steer my dreams into things a bit more realistic but hey....I've still got Olympic fever so give me a break.